Last time I wrote, life was pretty sucky. I couldn’t find or keep a job, I was convinced I was the worst person in the world – you know, all things that 16 year olds think at one time or another. Except I am 31.
My last post was all about getting a job, and low and behold I got one. I was there for two months as a litigation assistant to a very large law firm. Since teaching, it was actually the longest regular job I’ve had in years. The world was made of roses and sunshine and my migraines were dissipating… And then came the crippling anxiety and depression. I’m talking crying in the bathroom, crying at my desk, the whole nine yards.
You see I applied for a job as a legal assistant, fully disclosing that I had ZERO experience civil litigation (Suing because someone owed you money) all my experience had been family law (divorce, custody, wills, etc) and personal injury, Now I’m suing because people can’t pay their debts (and who can’t relate to that?) My manager assured their would be training and that I would pick it up fast. Her idea of training was to have another staff member run through something super fast, and then when I asked a question be told “I already went over this with you in training” Now, I’m not trying to brag here, but this positions was basically min. wage and required a high-school education. I Have two bachelors degrees and a college certificate and I am a quick learner, so I figured maybe it was the trainer.
I decided to go to my manager, all contrite “Hi Y****, I’m so sorry to bother you but if you have time could you go over this letter that i have to send to 45 clients saying that if we don’t get their money we will take their house” (Pretty important letter if you ask me) At first she was helpful and said “try your best and we will fix it up from there” so with no guidance, precedent or template I tried my best, and she ripped it to shreds. Which is fine, thats how we learn – mistakes, My issue was that with her door open she continued to berate me and tell me my work was unacceptable which got me going.
I have never in my life been called unacceptable. I’ve come home drunk, stoned, failed a class, got caught skipping a class, and I’ve gotten into trouble for it, but never “unacceptable”
I spent the rest of the day alternating between crying in my desk and crying in my cubical, When I got home I got into bed and didn’t leave until Monday where my parents dragged me to CAMH (for those of you outside Ontario in the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) where they have an emergency department which is way better than your average hospitals psychiatric wing. from there I was finally able to see my doctor and make a plan.
Of course plans change.
1, I lost my job.
2. I still have days where its hard to get out of bed
3 my parents still smother me
and then to top it all off I got into a major car accident. Luckily me, and the other drier were both okay, i can’t sty the same for our cars, he drove at 2018 beemer, and I drive a 2006 corolla… Luckily, if insurance kicks in (I don’t think my car is reparable) not only with my insurance rates to up, but they will probably give me 75 cents to buy a new car. I have 5 dollars in savings.
I feel like this is my new nightmare come true. Above is a picture of a dream come true, its a bad picture from a highschool year book, starting from the left, is my friends adam and Karen. Then me, then this girl Samantha. Most people hated highschool. I found the band nerds. It was the time of my life
I’m fighting with everyone, or pretending to be okay, and in new habit when I get anxious, instead of self harm, I dig my nails very hard in my hand (see featured image)
Well if you have any questions for me, drop them in the comments section, otherwise I will start sprouting random facts (My older brother slept in my parents room until he was 12) or start answering some of these “journal questions” I found on pinterest. And go on my rant on how pinterest people seem to have everything perfect, when most days – I don’t put on pants. (and no that was NOT a suggestion for a job.