Everyday is a bit of a struggle for me. Not just because of the migraines… although they are shitty as hell… but I often try to look at the bright side of things – you know, I have an amazing home, a wonderful family, good friends, and a partner who is crazy-pants supportive of me (which I don’t understand. If I was dating me – I would have probably smothered me in my sleep by now – I don’t mean suicide, I mean murder…) but in a lot of ways I am incredibly lucky.
Unfortunately, somewhere in the past 8-10 years I’ve gone from being the optimist sunshine who always thought everything would work out –
(seriously I remember one time when I was like 9 years old my parents and I were at our old cottage and the power went out and all the lights were on, and it was night – and very dark, and none of us knew where the flash lights were (and this is before the time of everyone having a cell phone. I think at this point we still had the car with the car-phone in it… you know those phones are actually attached to the car) and I said “Don’t worry Dad, my smile will light up the room” and I smiled, and the power turned back on. If that wasn’t a sign that everything in life would be exactly the way I wanted it – I don’t know what to think)
To this crazy pessimistic person who on most days can’t figure out what the worst part of having migraines is. I wake up in the morning and say “Ugh, the worst part of migraines is the insomnia.” I wake up feeling still sleepy and gross
Then later in the day the worst part of my migraines is the fact that it is very difficult to have a steady job when you have chronic pain and migraines. I’ve had several jobs, switched careers, lost jobs… you name it – it’s probably happened to me. I actually think I still have a job that I haven’t gone to since September. I was (am?) working for a tutoring place (shitty pay with too many students… it was a terrible job, but it was money) and they just started to give me less and less hours until I was no longer on the schedule… but they haven’t said “don’t come back” yet. Probably because they know if they were to do that, I would probably have the rights to sue them for wrongful dismissal.. and they don’t want to do that… Now I work for a better tutoring place – better pay, 1:1 ratio, and the kids are pretty good. But I only work for 5 hours a week… which is shitty.
Anyways, later in the day the worst part of the migraines is the photophobia (where light actually hurts… it doesn’t “bother” me, and its not a fear (even though ‘phobia’ is part of the word) but lights (sunlight, artificial light, street lights) actually physically hurt my brain)
Then the worst part of my migraines is the lack of social life, or the calling in sick to work because of the pain.
Oh yeah – I also think that the pain is the worst part of the migraine..
Or when I’m making dinner, or sitting with my partner (I don’t know why I use the word partner… my dental hygienist recently asked me if he was my boyfriend or my husband, and I was like: honestly – I don’t know, I feel like I’m too old (31) to have a boyfriend, or we’ve been together too long (almost 11 years) for him to be my boyfriend, but we haven’t had a wedding – so even though he is my common law husband (we have been living together 5-6 years) he doesn’t like it when I use the term husband. And when I say partner (which is basically what I am saying on this blog) but when I say partner, people assume I’m a lesbian… which would be okay if I was – except I’m pretty sure my beau (ooo maybe I’ll use that one) or “male counter part” (significant other?) anyways, he would not enjoy people thinking he was a girl)
Anyways – I’ll be making dinner for us, or sitting with him when he eats… and I think “Nope – it’s the nausea… THAT is the worst part of migraines.
Then later in the evening it’s the pills (I take so many) that are the worst part.
Then I can’t sleep – and I’m back to insomnia being the worst part. And I go through this every day.
For those of you who have read this far – Congrats – here is a reward. It’s picture of my dad going through a dumpster. I was with him and we went for a walk. When we got back to the condo he said “Hold on, let me get my newspaper” his condo has a room near the mailboxes where the newspapers get delivered to because they don’t allow people/delivery people to wander the building. I assumed he was getting the the paper from the newspaper room. He wasn’t. Apparently people throw their already read/half read/never been read papers in the garbage… and my dad won’t pay for something unless you can get it for free from a dumpster?
I do apologize for the way this is reading. I spent a lot of the day watching The Marvelous Mrs. Masial”… It’s an Amazon Original Series, and it is amazing and the main character is a Jewish woman in her 20s (during the 50s) whos husband leaves her, and she becomes a stand-up comic. And I find I really was able to relate to her.. because we are both Jewish… and women…. And so as I type and I say what I want to write in my head, it comes out as 1950s NYC Jewish woman… so in my head there is this accent that doesn’t exist, and inflections and tones that I would use if talking, but doesn’t always come across in writing
Anyways – it’s about 3:00AM here in just north of Toronto, Ontario and I am wide awake (Insomnia) which sucks because all the doctors say I need at least 8 hours of sleep (my dad says 10 because I “need more sleep than the average bear”) and I should be going to bed and waking up at the same time every day… only I’m not really sleeping these days – and the lack of routine causes migraines… It’s a terrible cycle.
Did you know in Just North of Toronto, Ontario, Canada.. its possible to go from -15 Celsius to +5 degrees Celsius in the same day?… Talk about things that fuck with you head.
Anyways – all you chronic pain/migraine/depression/anxiety/unemployed people out there… you guys find yourself watching a lot of Netflix? That’s something I wish I could do for money – Watch Netflix or Amazon Prime all day… I could make serious bank if I could do that.
Well, I find I spend a lot of my time “watching” Netflix/Amazon Prime. When I’m in pain, soft sounds are good… so I’ll put the tv on low and watch something in the background of my crying and writhing in pain. The other day I was feeling nostalgic for my childhood… back when jelly bracelets were a thing and Lindsay Lohan hadn’t lost her shit… and so I decided to watch “The Parent Trap” (not the original with Hailey Mills (that’s impossible for me to find online) but the one with Lindsay Lohan) and I had an issue with it.
Most of the time I think what people remember most about the Parent Trap is that these twins switched places to get their parents back together… and as a kid – I thought the story charming. But now – as a grown up/adult/trying to be an adult… I find part of this movie/plot a little disturbing. I don’t have kids – so I can’t pretend to know what its like… but these parents had twins, divorced, and then decided they would each take one kid. I can’t imagine giving birth to a kid, keeping an exact copy, and never finding out what was going on with the other one ever. Everyone just kind of took this custody arrangement as a normal thing… but for me… it sounds crazy. (although my experience with divorce is watching TV/seeing what happens to my friends parents) It just really bothered me… and clearly is still bothering me.
Anyways, that’s all for today… to reward you for reading this far – here is a picture of the squirrel that attacked me when I was in university. I took that picture (and if you look, the squirrel looks a little threatening) and then the animal ran up my leg, torso, and neck and got into my hair.
And for those of you interested… the “feature photo” for today is a picture of me at one of the places I worked when I was in university. It was a musical instruments store and we were often allowed to pretty much do what we want (Think Empire Records… only instead of CDs/records/cassettes, we sold instruments and sheet music) I must have done something dumb or lost a bet… so my co-workers made me a sash that said “Dunce” and wrote “Hat” on an envelop and put it on my head. I wore it all day.
I hope you are all having a better time then I am right now.