If you had asked me 10 years ago to describe myself I would have used words like amazing, aspiring musician, aspiring teacher, outgoing, creative, energetic, happy, loving and words similar to those.
If you ask me today to describe myself I would use words like angry, frustrated, hopeless, depressed, anxious, sad, and sick.
That’s a big one for me, that’s a new one for me. I’m not sick like the flu or cancer (because those are so similar…) I have an invisible disease – Migraines.
For the last 10-11 years migraines and headaches and pain have dictated my life. They dictate where I go, when I go somewhere – if I even go somewhere, how I respond and react to different scenarios, who I see, even if I shower in the morning.
Migraines have brought on other problems for me, depression, anxiety, weight gain, pill dependency, the loss of many friends, the loss of a social life, and the loss of patience.
Earlier this year my eldest sister made a comment about me being “sick” and the context of the conversation upset me, so I brought it up with my therapist. She asked “do you see yourself as sick” and I had to think about it – what is sick? And in the end I agreed with my sister, I am sick. I am a sick person. It took me over 10 years to define myself as a “person who is sick.” So I’ve decided – no more.
This is going to be my journey back to what my normal was, when I could go shopping, or to a movie, or just hang out with friends. It’s going to delve into my past, and hopefully make my future a brighter one.
Wish me luck,